Dear TSA

I really just wanted to send you a thank you. Yesterday, before I got to the security checkpoint, I was in a fantastic mood. Then, you confiscated my Victoria's Secret lip gloss, Clinique foundation, mascara, and hand sanitizer. I like how you gave me two options. Mail them back to myself, or give them to you. Funny, I didn't have to do that when I left St. Louis. When I asked you why I didn't have to give up my lip gloss, foundation, and mascara in St. Louis, you told me that you couldn't speak for other airports. I guess I didn't realize that the TSA in St. Louis and the TSA in Ft. Meyers weren't the same TSA. How stupid of me. Geez. One might assume that the TSA is the TSA is the TSA. I guess one would be wrong. Oh, and when I asked you why you were confiscating my mascara, you told me it was a paste. I'm a little confused on the paste rule. Well, in the mascara sense. Because you didn't confiscate the 5 tubes of lipstick I had, or the stick of cover up I had. I guess what I'm getting at, is the fact that you're inconsistent. I hate inconsistency. The other funny thing about this situation is the fact that you gave me my confiscated lip gloss, foundation, mascara, and hand sanitizer and told me to walk it up to the "business office" and mail it to myself. I don't mean to sound bitchy, I would never sound that way, but I don't understand why I couldn't take my lip gloss, foundation, and mascara on the plane, but I can put it in an envelope and THEN it can go on a plane. Or, I could have put it in a plastic baggie and THEN taken it on the plane. Pardon my french, but What the fuck, chuck? So, I walked my confiscated items through the airport and spent $7.49 mailing my "dangerous" items back to myself. Then, I proceeded to go BACK through the checkpoint. It only took me 30 minutes to get back through the line. I guess I can't complain about that speedy time. It's safe to say that at that point, I was in a pissy mood. I'm sorry if my facial expressions told you that. I tried really hard to look like a good citizen, but I just couldn't pull it off.

Oh, and I'm not sure if you care or not, but you might want to send Melvin W. from the Parking Spot an apology. Because of my lip gloss confiscation, and my bad mood, I may or may not have snapped on him as he picked us up in the shuttle. I may or may not have told him to shut up and just do his job. And, I may or may not have gotten him in trouble with his boss upon returning to the garage. So, you may or may not choose to apologize to him for pissing me off.

Unfortunately, as mad as I may be at you, we will meet again. I mean, how can we not? I live in a Nazi country ran by idiots who thrive on keeping the citizens scared. So yes, we will meet again. And who knows, by that time, we may just have to take off all of our clothes and spread our cheeks. You know, in case we're hiding explosives in our asses. Because you know, if we're hiding explosives in our lip gloss, foundation, and mascara, who knows what's lurking in our orifices.

So until then TSA, I must say fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you!

XoXoXo,

Dana "Lip Gloss Assassin" B