Another Charming Letter

Dear Guy-on-the-elliptical-next-to-me-at-the-gym-today,

I just wanted to take this opportunity to write you regarding your blatant disregard for those around you, trying to get a nice, relaxing workout. I noticed you as I mounted my usual elliptical. I thought I saw you look at a cell phone, but I just glanced so I couldn't be sure. Once I got started sweating my ass off, I turned up my i-Pod to drown out the sound of the classic rock playing on the speakers, as well as the sound of the elliptical. It was very odd though, because as I was listening to D4L sing about shaking yo' laffy taffy, I heard you talking. I thought you were talking to me very loudly, so I looked your way. I then realized that you were having a conversation on your cell phone while you were on the elliptical. I have two words for you. THAT'S BULLSHIT. Who in the fuck do you think you are? A super busy sports agent? A movie star? No and No. I know you are neither of those things because you work at the same company as me. I really do not appreciate you yaking for the entire 45 minutes I was on the elliptical. Thanks to you, I could not fully enjoy my booty songs or my workout for that matter. I could hear your annoying voice. How dare you bring your cell phone to the gym and actually talk on it. The next time you want to talk on the phone, get off the fucking machine you are on. If I happen to be next to you and this happens again, I kid you not, I will push you off the elliptical and then smash your cell phone under my New Balance shoes so fast it will make your fat head spin.

Thanks,

Dana