GoodGoodGoodGoodBAD.

So, I'm having one of those..months. Maybe even years. You know, the ones where you feel like a total loser. Like you can't make up your mind about anything and you feel like a slacker because you lack making up your mind. I'm just confused I think. First, let me tell you what I did today, then maybe you'll understand my ramblings tonight. I started the job on Friday, and it was okay, but I didn't really really like it. So, today (only my 2nd official day, keep in mind) I went in, and did all the tasks I was 'assigned' to do and after I finished them, I knew that I just didn't want to be there. Not like, I just wanted to go home for the day, but like I don't want to work there. Period. So anyway, I called the staffing agency and told them. I felt kinda bad at first because I wasn't sure how all of it played out on their end, and I was worried about leaving the company I was working for in a crappy position. Anyway, I was really nice and just explained that I didn't want to work there because I felt it wasn't the right position for me. AND, I told her that I totally wasn't interested in the 'medical' field, so I wasn't motivated. Anyway, the lady got kinda pissy with me. And, I felt really bad about it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I totally understand her being pissy, considering that she just 'placed' me in this job and maybe she thought I wasn't thankful enough or something, I don't know. So anyway, she acted all pissy and told me that I was leaving her in a terrible position and asked me if I could keep working there on a short term basis until she found someone to replace me. I told her that was fine. Of course, I had already told her a few times that I didn't want to work there anymore, but apparently she was hearing NONE of that..so I caved in and told her I would stay. Then, she told me she was going to call the employer and tell them, but when I got there in the morning, I would need to talk to them about it also. Well, that sorta made me uncomfortable. I don't know why, it just did. Am I just weird for feeling this way?

I'm not trying to be difficult, really. I just can't seem to find my 'place' here. I feel like a stranger sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I moved to St. Louis, but at the same time, sometimes I'm a little sad. At times I miss my old job in Springfield at Bank One. Maybe it's just the atmosphere and my friends that I miss, I don't know. I just can't find a place here I like enough to stay longer than 1-2 years. My friends and family tell me that I will find the right place soon, but I dunno. What if there isn't a place here for me? I have great skills. I'm not just saying that, I really do have great skills. And, the skills that I don't have, I can learn so quick. I know that there has to be a position SOMEWHERE in the Metro area for me, but finding it is the problem.

I just feel like such a loser. I mean, Chris has this great job, that he loves. Most of my friends have great jobs that they love too. Then, there's me. I love my friends, but I have no job that is great, nor that I love. Then, I think WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'm only 24 years old, so I'm still young, but I just have this idea in my head of how "things" should be. I mean, I'm married, I own my own house, I drive a fucking Volvo. Shouldn't I be like 3 years into my career, in a great job that I love too?? Isn't that the way things work? I'm not asking for perfection. Really. It's like, I have all these ideas and stuff that I think about a lot, but it goes nowhere, and I still feel like a loser.

Sometimes being a grown up really sucks. I remember when I was younger and still lived at home. I never worried about anything. Never worried about what I was having for dinner, or even if all the doors were locked at night. It's amazing what a burden those 2 simple things are when you grow up. And really, all this paragraph has to do with is the fact that I feel like a loser tonight.

I don't know what to do about it either. Usually I have most of the answers for stuff, but for this, I don't. I have no answers. I don't even have any suggestions for myself.

This weekend we're going to Chicago to help Beckie move the rest of her things here. I'm glad to be going to Chicago, but I'll still feel like a loser...I'll just be a loser in Chicago. I remember right before we bought our house, we were about this close to moving to Chicago. That was an exciting time for me...even if I was just mentally excited. The thought of finally moving to Chicago was fun. But, we decided to stay in the 'Lou and bought our current house. I guess that's just the way it was meant to be. On the upside though, we were discussing where we should move, should Bush get re-elected. My vote was for the Bahamas or Fiji, but Chris says we'd be better off moving somewhere with an IT economy, like Canada or India. I told him I wouldn't be opposed to England, but my heart is still set on the Bahamas. I can't image ever feeling like a loser in the Bahamas. If I lived on the beach, I'd be happy all the time!

Well, I guess I've whined enough. I hope I can work out my loser issues before the weekend. I'd hate to be depressed in Chicago.